Well it looks like it's that time of year again, The Oscars. The time of year a bunch of pretentious old white guys (and probably some other folks for diversities sake) get together and decide to tell you which movies were good because as far as their concerned you have the opinion making skills of a tomato. It's also the time of year people like me comment on their choices and give you our own opinions because lets face it you have the opinion making skills of a tomato. So give me a second to crawl out from under the angry little rock I've been hiding under since my review of The Mechanic, and then let's take a look at the shit list, shall we?
For starters, looking at the list of movies with the most nominations, I'm not finding much issue. We have True Grit with 10 and The King's Speech with 12 and those are both quality films. But number 3, with 8 nominations, is Inception? This had better be some dream within a dream within a dream bullshit for that to make any sense, because Inception had the depth of a small puddle that maybe someone had taken a piss in. But I digress, time to get to the actual awards themselves. I'm going to tell you now that there are 7 pages of awards so I'm only going to talk about the ones anyone actually cares about, best actor/actress/supporting-actor/supporting-actress and blah-di-blah. If you're looking for my opinion on "Achievement in Sound Editing" you're out of luck because congratulations you're the only person who actually could give a fuck.
Alright third paragraph and I haven't even gotten to an actual award, but at least I got all that out of my system so I won't be a disgruntled angry bastard as far as the awards themselves go. JUST KIDDING. As far as the awards for Best Actor (both leading and supporting) go, those are practically a done deal for Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush because The King's Speech was exactly the kind of pandering artsy-fartsy movie that's still easily mainstream enough to win everything at the Oscars because those previously mentioned old men only appreciate movies that are significant and deep and have a message, which is all fine and dandy except for the fact that I've actually seen the Oscars before so I realize that most of the time these guys are either being bribed or throwing a dart at a board with the different movie titles on it. The Actress awards are a bit trickier. Best Actress in a Leading Role comes down to Anette Bening (The Kids are Alright) versus Natalie Portman (Black Swan) and this is mainly because the old men, being men, really like things with lesbians. Personally I'm giving this one to Natalie Portman because Black Swan was a movie with more depth and was done by the same guy who did Requiem for a Dream, and also because she is most definitely the hotter lesbian. Mostly the depth thing though. Best Actress in a Supporting Role is hard because the nominee from The King's Speech is Helena Bonham Carter and she, while being a good actress, seemed to go to the Sandra Bullock school of never winning shit. We also have Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit) who, because it was her first film and did an outstanding job, has almost no chance of winning because that would just make too much sense. This means that, of the remaining, Jackie Weaver (Animal Kingdom) is most likely to win because I have never fucking heard of that movie and when in doubt the award goes to the most obscure nomination I can grab without having open a new tab and google it so I can pretend that I give a shit.
Now to get the Special Olympics portion of the Oscars, it's time for Best Animated Picture. Now personally I don't have anything against animated movies, but these days most of them are Disney taking a shit, putting on a plate, adding some garnish and saying "here eat this" and then the rest of the world proceeds to eat every last morsel and comment on how delicious it is. This year however, I'm giving it hands down to Toy Story 3, mainly because I was one of those children who grew up on Toy Story and that this movie is blatantly pandering to because anyone in the "target age" would have spent most of the movie either confused or sobbing.
Now to cut through the crap a wee bit and skip down the list to Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score) which I'm going to begrudgingly give to Inception because for god only knows what reason Tron: Legacy isn't on here (it's soundtrack being one of the few highlights of that film) and also because I don't like saying nice things about Trent Reznor because fuck that guy. Hand in hand with this goes Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song). Normally I'd just give this to the Toy Story 3 nomination because, as previously stated, nostalgia gets me off. However I found myself having to look up the song because I could swear to god I'd never heard of it. Apparently I had though, or at least I must have because I saw that movie at least twice. Seeing how memorable the song was, I can't in good conscience give it my vote, and that leaves me in the fucking dark because I honestly didn't see any of the other movies. I'm going to take a leap of faith and give my vote to Coming Home (Country Strong), seeing as it's a country song in a movie about country music so for that to lose Country Strong must have been a relatively shitty movie, which it could very well be.
In summation all I say is that, as much as it pains me to admit, the Oscar picks aren't terrible this year and I can only wait to see how the big Omnipotent old men decide to defecate on it. An added plus is that Never Say Never, the Justin Bieber biopic (in incredibly unnecessary 3D) didn't get nominated for anything, and even though it means that the old men will have a lot of pre-teen girl suicide blood on their hands, I suppose no good dead goes unpunished.
EDIT: Now it has recently come to my attention that I very much crossed a line in this entry. Was it the preteen girl suicide joke? no, fuck you, that's a completely legitimate statement. My error was in my derogatory generalizations I made about the academy voters. It turns out they are not all terrible, soulless old white guys in suits, because one of them is George Takei. Now, I may be a terrible, heartless bastard, but I have nothing but love respect and admiration for George Takei, and if that bothers you I recommend you go eat shards of broken glass. Other than Mr. Takei, however, I am relatively sure my generalizations are correct, and, with the addition of this amendment, stand behind them.
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